For all those who, on receipt of yet another bloodless rejection email from a poetry mag, can manage little better in response than, “Kiss my arse, you bastards!”, here, with a little customisation applied, is the ultimate riposte.
Thank you for your letter rejecting my application for employment with your firm.
I must inform you that I have received rejections from an unusually large number of exceptionally well-qualified organizations. With so varied and promising spectrum of rejections from which to select, it is impossible for me to consider them all.
After careful deliberation, then, and because a number of firms have found me more unsuitable, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your rejection. Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my requirements at this time. As a result, I shall be starting employment with your firm on the first of the month.
Circumstances change and one can never know when new demands for rejection arise. Accordingly, I will keep your letter on file in case my requirements for rejection change. Please do not regard this letter as a criticism of your qualifications in attempting to refuse me employment. I wish you the best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
And if dispatching your version of the above is not quite enough to put a skip in your step, here’s R.S. Thomas on the whole submission/rejection process:
If a poet realises that it has been his privilege to have a certain gift in the manipulation of language (language being the supreme human manifestation) then he is obviously committed from the very beginning to a lifetime of self-discipline, struggle, disappointment, failure, with just possibly the odd success which is greater in his eyes than it probably is in the eyes of anyone else.